I had started to work through the 12 steps a few years ago but never really got past the first step. I couldn’t admit that things were out of control. When I stopped cutting, I thought that the 12 steps were unnecessary. I didn’t want to believe that there was more than the cutting I was addicted to. I didn’t want to believe that my life was becoming unmanageable. I wouldn’t see that the cutting was only surface level. It was after reading a friends blog, who is going through these steps, that I felt inspired to give it a go one more time.
Originally I intended to keep it all private, but I think there’s strength in writing it down. It becomes more permanent and harder for me to deny.
I can analyze the hell out of myself but at the end of the day, there are things that have happened that were completely beyond my control. My dad dying was out of my control. What happened between Amy and I is out of my control. Laura and Emily falling in love is out of my control. What happened between Emily and I is out of my control. I cannot manipulate time and change how I behaved. I cannot go back and show Amy, Laura, or Emily anything other than what was. These are not things that I have control over at this point. They are what they are and it’s too late for me to do anything about it.
I’m living life on life’s terms and no matter how much I hate it, there are things that exist outside of my control. There are moments gone that I will never get back. I cannot change what’s happened, only move forward making the best of what I’m given.
After doing more thinking and analyzing I’ve come to some conclusions.
I’ve never felt like I was ever really important or special. I always felt like my presence on earth was unnecessary. That, without me nothing in this world would be any different. Lives wouldn’t be affected, people wouldn’t be moved. I don’t make good grades. I’m not pretty, or attractive. I’m not motivated. I’m not good at anything in particular. I’m not talented.
I worry a lot about being alone, so I thrust myself upon people (relationships and friendships) so that I don’t have to be alone with myself. My problem is that I’m not okay with who I am.
I seek attention, affection, and other things from other people. I’m driven to please others.
I worry that something is so wrong with me that I will end up completely alone for the rest of my life. I believe myself to be less than deserving of any kind of love.
The discomfort with myself has manifest itself into cutting, but beyond that the emotional damage has been far superior. I’ve spent nights crying and feeling so shitty about who I am that I can’t sleep or eat the next day. I carve emotional wounds into myself.
My low self esteem has impacted my relationships with people in devastating ways. I expect more out of people than I should, and less out of myself than I should. I strain relationships.
I’ve tried to blame it on other things that end up making me angry and bitter. I blame the pain on people leaving me. I blame the strained relationship with Emily on the fact that she and Laura fell in love. I push blame everywhere but on myself, and it tears the wounds even wider.
The most difficult part to accept is that my triggers for this self hate are every where. I tried to tell myself that it would get better once I wasn’t exposed to so many triggers. It’s been difficult for me to realize that there will always be triggers for my affliction. Every friendship that I have, every one I know who is in love or who is unique in some way… they’re all around me.
They’re hard to get away from and it makes this even harder to overcome.
Life isn’t what I want it to be and it doesn’t work the way I want it to. I cannot control the fact that triggers are everywhere for me. And, it’s no one’s fault but my own that these things cause such discomfort in me.
So, that’s my first step. I’m going to spend a little while pondering these and then be back for step two.
