Journey Through the Valley

Let’s get one thing straight, I am NOT a child any more. I am not an eleven or sixteen year old girl any more. I am older, stronger, wiser. You can NOT control me any more. You don’t have any kind of authority in my life. I’m not going to roll over for you any more. You do NOT love me, you’ve never loved me.

You… you weren’t a lonely man. You were a SICK DISGUSTING BASTARD. You used me for your own sick pleasure. You didn’t care about me. You never cared what kind of repercussions this would have on me. You are sick, end of story.

And you… you’re just as bad as him. Just because my body responded does NOT mean I enjoyed it, or that I wanted it. Just because you brainwashed me to believe I needed you, doesn’t mean I wanted this at all.

Finally, you… I’m no longer your punching bag. A boy uses dominance and his strength to intimidate his girl… but a MAN NEVER HITS A WOMAN. Ever. Period. I deserve BETTER.

I deserve better than to live in fear. No more. I’m done playing games. I’m taking my God given strength and finally standing up for myself.

I am SAFE. I am LOVED. Tonight, Emily reminded me that there are people who are behind me one hundred percent. There are people praying for me… people lifting me up. I DON’T NEED YOU ANY MORE. I can finally stand up to you.

So go ahead, bring it on. I’m ready and I’m waiting. Bring the  best that you’ve got. Nothing… and I mean NOTHING you can do is going to knock me down. I refuse to live in fear.

I haven’t slept in a while, because I’ve been so afraid. NO MORE.

Tonight, I sleep without fear.

Sincerely yours,
Never again.

“Well, it takes all of my strength to be stable and,
I force your insults under the table and if you were wise,
You would compromise and allow me to live my way.
‘Cause I am not a force to be reckoned with.
And you don’t have a clue what you’re messing with.”

“Mmm, whatcha say?
Mmm, that you only meant well?
Well, of course you did.
Mmm, whatcha say?
Mmm, that it’s all for the best?
Of course it is.
Mmm, whatcha say?
Mmm, that its just what we need.
You decided this.”

You’re asking me to leave the only person whose ever been there for me. You’re asking me to ignore my heart. I can’t just sit here and listen to him hurt, knowing that I’m the one that has caused it.

And for the record, this is NOT abuse. Nothing he’s ever done is abnormal.

He’s a good kid whose made some mistakes. Who hasn’t? He’s got more potential that I can ever hope to have.

You have no idea how much this is killing me. How can you possibly expect me to be so cold hearted?

I am a horrible person for this.

It’s late, or early depending on how you look at it, and the room is unusually warm. I contemplate reaching up and turning on the fan but something stops me. Despite the sweat, I feel safer staying tightly wrapped up in the covers. I know that it’s pointless to try and will myself to sleep, so instead I lay content listening to the gentle snores and grunts of my roommate. The air begins to change, though so suddenly that I almost miss it. It’s warmer, heavier, thicker. Each breath under my covers is labored, but still it’s safer to be hidden. My body begins to shake, though I’m not cold. I feel the fear rising in me with every breath. I know that it’s here. I can feel it moving around, watching me. I close my eyes, willing myself to sleep (or is it to wake?) hoping it will go away, but it surrounds me. “I’m not goin’ anywhere darlin’ so don’t even try.”

The covers, my safety, are gone. I can see, through closed eyes, its face. I cry out and strain to look away. “Look at you. Weak… pathetic… whore… slut…”

My voice cracks. “…Jesus….” “He’s not here”, it croaks. “In Jesus name…” I push forward. “Name? What’s in a name?” “…satan…” “Yes?” it laughs. “I rebuke you.” I gasp through half shut eyes. “You? YOU? Who are you to rebuke ME? Little girl, you have no authority.”

My eyes are burning and it feels like something is being ripped out of me. My heart… my heart aches, thumping inside my chest. I can’t speak, drowning in fear.

“Failure.” It whispers

“No… no… n… o…”

“Yes. YES.” It cries out louder.

“FAILURE. FAILURE. JENNIFER’S A FAILURE.” It screams. It shrieks with laughter.

(A very real dream of mine recently. Please be in prayer for me y’all.)

Josh sent me several messages on facebook (which I’ve combined) and I really don’t know what to think

I shouldn’t believe him…but I do.

“whats the big deal? i mean doesnt it matter what YOU think anyways. who cares what i thought then. i dont care. i never cared. i mean yah people talked and come on, you had to have provoked them in some way…i mean for real u were what in middle school? just sayin. guys just dont…dont do that unprovoked is all im saying. but anyways does it really matter to u that much? its been 8 years. is it even relevant anymore?? what? all im saying is guys DONT do it unprovoked. i mean i should know i am a guy lol…but yah i mean dont get mad at me. im just saying from a guys perspective. btw have u read Numbers 31:15-18? or Deuteronomy 22:28-29? what does that mean for u …or for us… bc they obviously didnt marry u. i mean i could care less if this somehow equals out to adultery, but im just sayin. think about it huh? u know id still marry u in a heart beat but im thinkin about that “religious” man u say ur lookin for. im not sayin ur not beautiful or amazing or anything but dont they all just care about “purity?” u kno ur not that. and u kno i could care less if u were “sexually pure” or not. obviously since we dated.”

This is never going to end. Things are never going to get better. At the end of the day, I’m always going to be messed up, damaged, and alone. These thoughts are never going to go away. I’m never going to stop crying. The only thing I’m useful for is sex. I’m only good at being used for their sick pleasures. I’m never going to be more than that. I deserved it. I asked for it. I was ELEVEN. Old enough to know better. Old enough to tell. Old enough to fight back. WHY DIDN’T I FIGHT??  Why wasn’t I stronger?

Today I have the world. I have the sun, the sand, the water…and his arms.

I wish that I could stay here forever.

I know that it won’t last for much longer. Sooner or later, I’ve got to get back to reality.  But…today I just don’t care. What’s in Raleigh is in Raleigh, and what’s Greensboro is in Greensboro. It’s not here, and it’s not now. So, I’m not going to worry about it.

I’ll answer Grace’s text eventually…but not today. Not when, for the first time in weeks, I’m breathing free.

“And nothing we can say, and nothing we can do
Can take away the pain, the pain of losing you.

But we can cry with hope.
We can say goodbye with hope.
‘Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
We can grieve with hope.
‘Cause we believe with hope,
There’s a place where we’ll see your face again.
(We’ll see your face again)

And never have I known anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more the wisdom of God’s plan
But through the cloud of tears,
I see your father smile and say “Well done”
And I imagine you where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true.
‘Cause now you’re home and now you’re free.”

Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I’m numb, sometimes I’m overcome.
Does anybody care what’s going on?
Do I have to wear my scars, like a badge on my arm?
For you to see me (see me)
I need release.

Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
Cause I grieve, you’re not listening to me.
Do I need to scream?

Has anybody seen whats been done?
Where was my defense? No one heard my protests.

How much of middle school do you remember? How much of your sophomore year in high school? Do you remember anything about what you learned in school? What about the friends you had? What you loved, what your dreams and aspirations were?

I don’t.

I have a few memories that I cling to in a desperate attempt to “remember” those years. But if I’m honest with myself, I don’t remember much at all. Academically, I remember almost nothing. In high school I struggled in History classes (despite being one of my favorites next to english.) because I didn’t remember anything from middle school. Spanish? I don’t remember anything I learned before Junior year. The same thing with Math, and I could probably go on and on. My memories of those years are frighteningly slim, at least when it comes to “normal” stuff.

But I remember the abuse. I remember it in painstaking detail. If I think back to my middle school years, those are the memories that I have.

And I have a feeling there’s much more of that I’m not remembering.