“All he could think about was, ‘I’m too young for this.
Got my whole life ahead, hell I’m just a kid myself.
How am I gonna raise one?’
All he could see were his dreams going up in smoke.
So much for ditching this town and hanging on the coast.
Oh well, those plans are long gone.
And he said,
‘There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
Might as well kiss it all goodbye.
There goes my life.”
Tonight in the shower I watched the foamy bubbles from my body wash run off, traveling from my elbows, down my arms, across my hands, and drip off my finger tips. It was amazing how invigorating it felt. To watch the bubbles intermix with the days dirt, and then the water to come and wash it all away.
Cleansing.
Then, the salty tears mixed with the warm tap water and streamed down my face. Water from my heart intermixing with the dirt on my soul and washing it away. As I cried, I realized how relieved I was. Relieved to finally release what I’d been holding in all day.
I cried the tears that I’d been hiding from Laura, from Emily, from Grace… from every one.
I’m not nearly as brave as they think I am.
I’m scared.
Tomorrow it’ll be two weeks, but it feels like its been two years and two seconds all at the same time.
I don’t know how I’m suppose to feel.
How am I suppose to believe that I’m ever going to get through this?
When Emily and I were sitting in front of Saks Fifth Avenue, I couldn’t keep my thoughts away from him. I watch him chase me through the mall, threatening to tickle me until I cried. I heard both our laughters as we forgot our ages and acted like two five year olds. I felt his arms around my waist and his fingers entangled in mine. I remembered him pointing out the perfect engagement ring promising that it would some day be mine.
The whole time we sat there my heart swelled up in my chest, but I couldn’t find the words to tell Emily I was starting to fall apart again.
I feel guilty, like I was some how responsible for his death. Some how I failed; I failed Josh.
And as I sit here, trying to figure out how to say what’s spinning through my head, the tears are falling again.
There are moments where I am ok. Moments where everything seems normal and I feel content to just be.
But then it suddenly hits me, like a punch in the stomach…
Josh is gone.
The love of my life, my best friend… he’s gone.
And despite all the shit we’ve been through, all the shit he’s put me through, I loved him in a way I never want to love another person again. I’ve been doomed (or, arguably, blessed) to a life without marriage or children. I cannot possibly love someone else the way I loved him and I don’t want to even try.
If people only knew the Josh that I did. If people could have only gotten the chance to met the boy I fell in love with so long ago, they’d understand. Josh was more than the shit he has put me through over the last two years. He was beautiful, intelligent, loving… his potential was amazing. And sure, he’s made his mistakes. Who hasn’t?
I don’t know why people insist on drudging the past back up. I don’t care what he called me over the last two years. I don’t care how many times he got physical with me and hit me. I don’t care. NONE OF IT MATTERS ANY MORE. I refuse to acknowledge any of that any more. It’s not bringing him back, so what’s the point?
I see him every where I go. I catch glimpses of him out of the corner of my eye when walking through the store. And everything I do reminds me of him.
I had so much more I wanted to say, but now I just want to stop crying. I refuse to let people see me cry over this. I don’t want to talk about Josh, and if we could go on pretending that he never existed that would be fantastic. I just want to deal with this quietly, and alone. Please.
Let’s get one thing straight, I am NOT a child any more. I am not an eleven or sixteen year old girl any more. I am older, stronger, wiser. You can NOT control me any more. You don’t have any kind of authority in my life. I’m not going to roll over for you any more. You do NOT love me, you’ve never loved me.
You… you weren’t a lonely man. You were a SICK DISGUSTING BASTARD. You used me for your own sick pleasure. You didn’t care about me. You never cared what kind of repercussions this would have on me. You are sick, end of story.
And you… you’re just as bad as him. Just because my body responded does NOT mean I enjoyed it, or that I wanted it. Just because you brainwashed me to believe I needed you, doesn’t mean I wanted this at all.
Finally, you… I’m no longer your punching bag. A boy uses dominance and his strength to intimidate his girl… but a MAN NEVER HITS A WOMAN. Ever. Period. I deserve BETTER.
I deserve better than to live in fear. No more. I’m done playing games. I’m taking my God given strength and finally standing up for myself.
I am SAFE. I am LOVED. Tonight, Emily reminded me that there are people who are behind me one hundred percent. There are people praying for me… people lifting me up. I DON’T NEED YOU ANY MORE. I can finally stand up to you.
So go ahead, bring it on. I’m ready and I’m waiting. Bring the best that you’ve got. Nothing… and I mean NOTHING you can do is going to knock me down. I refuse to live in fear.
I haven’t slept in a while, because I’ve been so afraid. NO MORE.
Tonight, I sleep without fear.
Sincerely yours,
Never again.
“Well, it takes all of my strength to be stable and,
I force your insults under the table and if you were wise,
You would compromise and allow me to live my way.
‘Cause I am not a force to be reckoned with.
And you don’t have a clue what you’re messing with.”
“Mmm, whatcha say?
Mmm, that you only meant well?
Well, of course you did.
Mmm, whatcha say?
Mmm, that it’s all for the best?
Of course it is.
Mmm, whatcha say?
Mmm, that its just what we need.
You decided this.”
You’re asking me to leave the only person whose ever been there for me. You’re asking me to ignore my heart. I can’t just sit here and listen to him hurt, knowing that I’m the one that has caused it.
And for the record, this is NOT abuse. Nothing he’s ever done is abnormal.
He’s a good kid whose made some mistakes. Who hasn’t? He’s got more potential that I can ever hope to have.
You have no idea how much this is killing me. How can you possibly expect me to be so cold hearted?
I am a horrible person for this.
It’s late, or early depending on how you look at it, and the room is unusually warm. I contemplate reaching up and turning on the fan but something stops me. Despite the sweat, I feel safer staying tightly wrapped up in the covers. I know that it’s pointless to try and will myself to sleep, so instead I lay content listening to the gentle snores and grunts of my roommate. The air begins to change, though so suddenly that I almost miss it. It’s warmer, heavier, thicker. Each breath under my covers is labored, but still it’s safer to be hidden. My body begins to shake, though I’m not cold. I feel the fear rising in me with every breath. I know that it’s here. I can feel it moving around, watching me. I close my eyes, willing myself to sleep (or is it to wake?) hoping it will go away, but it surrounds me. “I’m not goin’ anywhere darlin’ so don’t even try.”
The covers, my safety, are gone. I can see, through closed eyes, its face. I cry out and strain to look away. “Look at you. Weak… pathetic… whore… slut…”
My voice cracks. “…Jesus….” “He’s not here”, it croaks. “In Jesus name…” I push forward. “Name? What’s in a name?” “…satan…” “Yes?” it laughs. “I rebuke you.” I gasp through half shut eyes. “You? YOU? Who are you to rebuke ME? Little girl, you have no authority.”
My eyes are burning and it feels like something is being ripped out of me. My heart… my heart aches, thumping inside my chest. I can’t speak, drowning in fear.
“Failure.” It whispers
“No… no… n… o…”
“Yes. YES.” It cries out louder.
“FAILURE. FAILURE. JENNIFER’S A FAILURE.” It screams. It shrieks with laughter.
(A very real dream of mine recently. Please be in prayer for me y’all.)
Josh sent me several messages on facebook (which I’ve combined) and I really don’t know what to think
I shouldn’t believe him…but I do.
“whats the big deal? i mean doesnt it matter what YOU think anyways. who cares what i thought then. i dont care. i never cared. i mean yah people talked and come on, you had to have provoked them in some way…i mean for real u were what in middle school? just sayin. guys just dont…dont do that unprovoked is all im saying. but anyways does it really matter to u that much? its been 8 years. is it even relevant anymore?? what? all im saying is guys DONT do it unprovoked. i mean i should know i am a guy lol…but yah i mean dont get mad at me. im just saying from a guys perspective. btw have u read Numbers 31:15-18? or Deuteronomy 22:28-29? what does that mean for u …or for us… bc they obviously didnt marry u. i mean i could care less if this somehow equals out to adultery, but im just sayin. think about it huh? u know id still marry u in a heart beat but im thinkin about that “religious” man u say ur lookin for. im not sayin ur not beautiful or amazing or anything but dont they all just care about “purity?” u kno ur not that. and u kno i could care less if u were “sexually pure” or not. obviously since we dated.”
This is never going to end. Things are never going to get better. At the end of the day, I’m always going to be messed up, damaged, and alone. These thoughts are never going to go away. I’m never going to stop crying. The only thing I’m useful for is sex. I’m only good at being used for their sick pleasures. I’m never going to be more than that. I deserved it. I asked for it. I was ELEVEN. Old enough to know better. Old enough to tell. Old enough to fight back. WHY DIDN’T I FIGHT?? Why wasn’t I stronger?
